18 June 2010

How to get rid of a roommate.

At some point in your college/early professional life, you may well find yourself living with someone solely out of financial necessity. All humans are, at least to some degree, annoying to all other humans. It is the nature of the beast to believe that all of your own mannerisms, quirks, habits and hang-ups are perfectly normal, while everyone else can only hope to achieve such perfection. Learning to live with others without killing them or yourself is a natural part of growing up.

Sometimes, however, you encounter a person that simply cannot be tolerated short of a sudden “snap” into a homicidal rage. But moving is such a hassle that it is usually preferable to try to get the offending party to leave voluntarily. To this end, there are a number methods for the annoyed to one-up the annoyer.

It is important to remember the words of Sun Tzu; “know your enemy and know yourself, and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster.” Even scant observation will give insight into the soon-to-be-ex-roommate’s “hot buttons.” But some annoying things are almost universal, and as long as these do not represent acquiescence to matching the offender’s habits, they can be used to great effect. Begin with common but low-level annoyances like leaving the toothpaste tube open on the sink; replace the toilet paper roll “backwards” (“over” if your roommate likes it “under,” and vice versa). With a little advance planning (unless you are going prematurely bald), you can leave thick, disgusting mats of lost hair in the shower drain. Bonus points are awarded for attaching little black and white “googly eyes” (available at any crafts store) to your creation. At a minimum, you may get that goofy “somebody’s watching me” 80’s song stuck in your victim’s head (some of you probably thought it was just from those insurance commercials, didn’t you?).

If these steps do not yield satisfactory results, stronger methods are called for, such as leaving a few “Soldier of Fortune” magazines, spent shells casings, and a half-completed Federal Firearms Dealers’ License applications lying around. Highlight one of the questions about “mental illness” with a sticky-note caption like “CRAP! Ask Doc if this is gonna be a problem,” or under “have you been convicted of domestic violence,” write “NOT convicted, no.” Pretend to practice a religion that calls for periodic bloody sacrifices. Thanks to the recent “vampire” craze, recipes for fake blood are almost as plentiful on the Internet as porn. Animal organs that are usually cast off in the making of everything except vienna sausages may be obtained at many grocery stores in predominantly low-income areas, and unless your roommate is a pre-med student, they’ll never know the difference. Some items, such as eyes, lips, and testicles, can be had for little or no cost.”

If nothing else is working, and you’re beginning to rationalize murder, desperate measures are in order. This method will only work, however, if your roommate is of the same gender as yourself, and neither of you are GLBT, OR with a person of opposite gender if one of you is GLT and the other isn’t. Wait until your roommate is asleep, preferably after a night of serious consumption of alcohol (roommates over 21 only, please). Crawl up next to them and very gently wake them up. When you are sure they are awake enough to process complete sentences, say something like “good morning, sexy,” or “My GOD, that was amazing!” They should be packed and out the door in 15 minutes. If they are not, LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY!”

One final caveat: your roommate may be reading this, too.

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